After the Beyond
by ariel1200s
Summary: There are not enough JAY stories out there. When Jodie shows up at the ranch right after Black Sun, they have questions that she can't answer. Also, Cory has feelings for her, Paul wants her to go to school, and there may be new or old spirits back to torment the family. Will Jodie be able to handle it without Aiden? And what happens when Ryan shows up?
1. Chapter 1

**AN: I don't own B:2S, nor do I make any profits from playing in their Infraworld.** [AM1]

I leapt onto Ryan, a habit that had come with expecting Aiden to protect me and anyone close enough to me. Then, the world exploded, and my world went dark.

Something moved, rustling me awake. I opened my eyes. Ryan's eyes were opened. He was sitting up, looking around at the vast expanse of white, crumbling room. "We're alive?"

I didn't say anything. Something felt…off. I sat up abruptly, getting to my feet as my eyes scanned. Ryan was still slowly sitting up. He was still seemed to be shocked that we were breathing. I guess I should be amazed as well. Cole had said the blast would kill us, but I couldn't seem to focus past the… _emptiness_ I felt. "Aiden?"

Ryan got to his feet, running his hands through his hair. I was busy scanning the room and my thoughts. But I couldn't _find him._

"We made it," Ryan breathed in awe, his relief giving way to excitement. "Jodie, we made it!"

He turned to me, pausing at what he saw.

There was a constricting feeling just below my chest. I had various wounds on my body from the blast and fighting off entities, but nothing compared to the pain that I was feeling in my chest. I held my hand there, not wanting to accept what my body was trying to tell me. "Aiden?!"

Ryan wasn't saying anything anymore. In fact, I don't even think he was moving. My frantic eyes scanned around the giant white cavern one more time, before I came to accept the crushing realization.

I had seen a lot of death, but this one literally brought me to my knees. Choked noises that were so heartbreakingly earnest broke out, and it took me a minute to recognize that they were coming from me. I suddenly knew that this was what a person mourning true love would sound like. I hunched over, trying to keep myself together when I felt like I was shattering into jagged fragments. Strong arms pulled me into a warm body to help me, but it didn't help much.

Aiden was gone.

Things became a blur after that. I would blink, and there was a new scene in front of me. Somehow, I was out of that hellish sub-ground floor in the pentagon building and in a board room surrounded by people in uniform. I would blink again, and time would have passed. I was sitting in a lobby, a strong arm around my shoulders, but I didn't care to look and see who it was holding me. It didn't matter. I opened my eyes and saw that I was in a hospital. I didn't have the best of memories with hospitals. At least, I didn't think I did. I couldn't remember. I blinked again, and I was in a small house that seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place where I had seen it before. I couldn't place a lot of things. My memories were all jumbled and confused, whether from grief or my time in the Infraworld. It was hard to tell, not that I cared all that much to bother. If I stayed silent, I could just go on like this. Not really existing, able to block out the pain.

So I stayed silent, even when there were sounds around me.

The world began to grow dim and dark, and that sparked a reaction in me. I started to feel terrified, though I wasn't sure why. My body was acting without my thought. It jumped up from the bed and tried to run away from the blackness of the sun. I hit something hard and was jolted with even more life. I slid down to the ground, my knees pressed up against my chest, my breath short and fast.

The sun wasn't dark. Why would I think that? The sun is light. It always has been. A sign of hope. A sign of peace. Why would I…

 _You have to find the Black Sun, Jodie. You have to go without me._

I knew that voice. My lungs slowed down a little. I wanted to not be alone. I wanted to find the owner of that voice that I was familiar with. Maybe then, the pain would go away.

Would it?

I stopped to think about my own questions, but was interrupted when I realized that I could actually hear that voice. Outside of my head.

I looked up, focusing on a handsome face with strong features. The man had light skin and blue eyes.

No, no, that's not right! His mouth was moving. I could see his arms on my shoulders and distantly realized that the handsome man was shaking me, but I couldn't hear him. Why couldn't I hear him?

I turned my head a little, noticing movement out of the corner of my eye.

Cole, my mind supplied instantly. Safe. I through myself forward into his arms, waiting for the pain to go away, but it didn't.

"You're safe, Jodie. I've got you. I'm not going anywhere. It's over."

"It will never be over," I said, realizing as I said it that it wasn't the first time I had uttered those words. My mind pulled up images of Cole in a control room behind a one-way mirror, as a terrified little girl went to bed for the first time in a new environment.

Cole didn't respond. I pulled back to see his dark face. A face that brought back so many memories, both good and bad. Slowly, I was starting to gain more awareness, more of a story, but it was all mixed up and incomprehensible.

"How are you feeling, Jodie?" Cole asked carefully, his warm eyes showing his concern and love. Yes, that's right. I realized that Cole truly did love me the moment he stayed behind, urging me to go on without him though it meant certain death for him.

My heart lifted a little, and I sniffed. "You're alive," I said brokenly.

Cole gave a small, small smile. "I'm harder to kill than you might think."

I gave a watery laugh through my crying. I wasn't even entirely sure why I was crying. My thoughts took a 180. I guess my mind automatically brought up the face of the man that I always saw any time Cole was around. "Nathan?" I asked.

There was a short cough from the side. I turned my head to look at the handsome man that I had seen earlier. He was somewhat familiar. "You don't remember?" he asked in a smooth voice.

I blinked. I saw a man on the floor, a bullet hole in his head, a gun in his hand. _There you are Jodie. Fuck. What happened?_

"He found what he was looking for," I said monotonously, and then realized what I was saying. I sat back on my heels, tears rolling down my cheeks as I looked down. "Cole, N…Nathan, h-he…he—"

"Shh…" Cole said, wrapping his arms around me. "You don't have to say it, Jodie. I know. I know. Shh, princess."

Nathan was dead. Nathan had killed himself. To be with his family. But I, I had chosen to live.

"Why?" I asked myself.

"Why what, Jodie?" Cole asked.

"Why did I choose to live?!" I asked, getting to my feet. "Why did I choose to come back? Everyone leaves me. There's _nothing_ left for me. FUCK! Fuck, Cole. It hurts. It hurts so much."

I was wrapped in the other man's arms this time. I struggled to get away at first, but he was relentless. Finally, I let myself fall into him until he was supporting me entirely as I vented out my pain through my tears. "Aiden…" I sobbed.

The man cradled me to his chest with a hand that was large enough to encompass the entire back of my head. Hands that I was familiar with. Intimately.

And then I knew. I knew why I had chosen to come back. It was because of _him._ Ryan.

"This is your fucking fault! Why did you make me love you? Aiden is gone because of you[AM2] !"

"Jodie—" he said brokenly.

I beat at his chest until he let me go.

I had to get out of here. I ran out of the room and down the hall to the stairs. I realized that I was in Cole's house. I recognized it from when he had let me stay here before we went to track down my mother. Or was it after? Fuck! No, it couldn't have been after. We got caught at my mother's hospital after Aiden…

I ran to the garage, wondering if the bike would still be there even as I realized that I had a bike in the first place. But that wasn't quite right. It wasn't my bike, but I was given the bike. I shook off my thoughts. Cole wouldn't get rid of it, but I couldn't be sure how long it had been here. My memories weren't the greatest right now.

All I knew was that I wanted to get out of here. The memories and expectations were too much. When Ryan had said my name, with so much love and emotion, I knew instinctively that at some point, I had loved him just as much. But my memories were all messed up and through the haze of pain, all I could do was blame my suffering on the closest target. It wasn't fair to him. His memories were still there. He wouldn't understand my hatred and anger.

I opened the door, and sure enough, there it was. It didn't look all that impressive with its rust and dust, but it brought up so many good things. There was a tan canvas backpack sitting on the seat. I easily found the button to the garage door. I hesitated only a moment before pressing the button. The garage door opened with a grumble, and it wasn't until that point that I heard my muffled name being called. There were rapid footsteps coming down the stairs now. What had I done to deserve such caring people that would give me my space and respect my privacy when they just wanted to comfort me? From what I could remember, I wasn't that great of a person. I was a horrible person actually. The garage door opening had alerted them to my intentions, and I was sure that they would be here soon to stop me.

I quickly put the backpack on my back and kicked the motorcycle to start, and the old thing faithfully choked to a roar. The door to the house was opening. I could see Ryan's desperate eyes, begging me to stay, but it was that inequality of emotion that reminded me again why I had to leave. I couldn't let the man I knew loved me know that I had forgotten that I loved him.

I pulled out before he could reach me because I knew that without Aiden to help me it wouldn't be a fair fight. He was more than double my size and had the same training I had. I had never felt like a bigger coward in my life.

At first, I made sure to make a lot of confusing twists and turns on random roads and streets. It didn't feel safe to stay on a direct path until I could put more distance between them and myself. I wasn't sure if they would try to follow me, but if Ryan did, I knew that he would be able to catch up to me easily. After I had driven a while, continuously checking my mirrors, I felt save enough to relax. I pulled into a gas station.

I took my backpack off my back and searched for money. I didn't find much except for clothes and other bare essentials. After another few minutes of searching, I gave up and begged somebody for gas money, surprised at how natural it came to me. Even more surprisingly was how quickly the person relented. He took one look at my face and swiped his card at the gas tank and watched me fill the motorcycle up without a word. He even went inside and brought me out a bag of food without my asking.

I must have looked pretty bad for a stranger to do all of that. I shivered, feeling cold as I vaguely remembered a time and place where strangers had not been so quick to help a person in need.

The pump clicked off, breaking me from my thoughts. The tank was full. I thanked the stranger and stashed the bag of food in my backpack before heading out.

It was a sunny day, very incongruous to my dark thoughts, but being on the open road reminded me of a sense of freedom. I could literally go anywhere. I may not be able to outrun my problems, but I could at least try. With that thought in mind, I planned to drive until I couldn't or didn't want to keep going.

Cole lived in the suburbs next to a large city for his work. I was able to watch as the sun moved in the sky. The urban towers and humming electricity started to be replaced by more grassy front and backyards with polished, suburban houses of upper-middle class families. The quality and size of the roads changed as well, going from six lanes wide and bustling with traffic to barely two lanes wide and barren. Even the nice houses became few and far between until I only noticed the occasional farmhouse sitting amongst vast expanses of fields. I drove until it grew dark.

My memories swirling through my mind like an angry swarm. My thoughts were becoming even more chaotic and confusing. Somehow, putting distance between myself and Ryan seemed to ease my tension a little bit, but I knew I couldn't outrun my problems. Despite knowing that, I kept driving until I started falling asleep. At that point, I pulled off the main roads until took some country roads until I found a road that was very remote. I drove the bike behind a tree off the road and leant it against the rough, solid bark. It felt good to stand up and stretch my muscles out.

After glancing around to make sure I couldn't see any sign of civilization, I laid a jacket from my bag on the ground and propped the backpack up behind my head to use as a pillow. It wasn't the best solution. I could already feel the bugs coming closer in interest, but I didn't have any money. There was a barn across the road farther back in the field, and it was tempting, but I didn't want to risk the owner coming in and seeing me. That had happened once or twice before in my life. I thought. Maybe.

I stopped my train of thought before it could get lost in the confusing bowl of thoughts that my mind was. I looked up at the clear sky instead, tracing designs in the stars and wondering what Aiden was doing and if he was happy.

I closed my eyes for the first time in what seemed like weeks. My broken memories kept playing out in my mind, but one in particular stood out in the front. It was my memory of waking up without Aiden. Tears rolled down my cheeks, and it was a long time before I was able to fall unconscious from exhaustion.


	2. Chapter 2

The next thing I know, something was tickling my nose. My hand lazily brushed over it as I rolled onto my side, pulling the warm jacket up higher on my shoulders, trying to go back to sleep.

The persistent bugger had landed on my face again, crawling around in the deep cuts on my face. I sat up, grossed out at the thought of baby bugs buried in my skin.

I stretched as I looked around. The sun was up. The weather was already taking a turn for the heat and letting anyone know that it was going to be a hot one. The bugs had come out, drawn by the warmth. It was obvious I wouldn't be getting any more sleep right now, even though I desperately longed for it. It had been so long since I had a restful night's sleep. I brushed the dirt and grass from my jeans as I stood up.

My muscles were sore today. They were always worse the next day it seemed. I let myself take it easy as I ruffled through my backpack. I left my jeans on. They were ripped and stained from blood and burnt shrapnel, but they would do. There were a few open cuts on my legs, but my biggest injuries had been wrapped in white gauze at some point. I briefly recalled a hospital after the blast but not any details. I checked over my injuries quickly. There was a decent amount of bandaging around my torso. It made sense to me, since I had been feeling sharp pains in my side the day before, and I was certainly feeling it today not that shock and adrenaline had worn off. I had a large cut on my left arm as well that had been wrapped. It was easy to see the injuries on my legs as the holes and cuts in the jeans practically framed their presence. Some of the cuts were fairly decent, and I wondered if I had resisted at the hospital to have them dressed. Using one of the mirrors on the motorcycle, I was able to see the large cuts on my face, the left side again.

My mind flashed back to running for my life as things started to crash behind me. I took a short leap and landed on top of Ryan, vaguely feeling him wrap me in his arms to protect me before everything was whited out and the blast took over.

I shook my head, guilt creeping up my mind. Why couldn't I have remembered my love for him? Things would be so much easier. I would be able to cope with someone who had lived through the same life-altering experience. I would be able to lean on someone who would know my pain and grief over losing Aiden.

I knew I had loved him. All of my memories of interactions with him told me I had sacrificed so much for him, but it was because I knew that I had loved him that I had to let him go. I had to. He was still able to remember me. It wouldn't be fair to him. I was realizing my time in the Infraworld had damaged something in my mind, something I might not ever be able to fix, and it was unfair to expect Ryan to wait around for something that could never possibly be regained.

I sniffed, wiping my forearm across my face and pulling myself out of my dark thoughts.

I changed out my black tank top for a maroon one, tied my grey button up shirt around my waist and put my dark jacket back on for protection. I decided in the end that I wanted to change my jeans to blend in more. I couldn't do anything about the gouges on my face, but the shrapnel cuts and burns on my legs would only add to any unwanted attention if I had to stop for gas again. I rummaged through the backpack, but there was only one other pair in there, and they were skinny jeans. Even so, I attempted them. I pulled the holey jeans away from my damaged skin, sometimes having to gently separate them from burns or coagulated blood, opening new wounds. After all that, I was a sweating, shaking mess by the time I was ready to put on the new jeans. And after all of that effort, it was a huge let down to only be able to get them halfway up. The smaller cuts and burns I could handle the rough material brushing against my tender skin, but there was one part on my upper thigh that ached, and the higher I pulled up the tight jeans, the more my heart raced in dread. My fingers accidentally brushed the wound, and my breath caught in pain. It freaked me out to feel such a deep gouge; it was hardly recognizable as my own skin, but the pain definitely let me know it was me without a doubt. I sighed, eventually deciding to put the ruined jeans back on. At least they had holes to avoid the cuts and wounds.

My hand brushed the heart locket necklace that had belonged to my—our mother. My chest constricted as I realized I was going to face another day in utter loneliness, only this time, it was my own fault. I had been too afraid to stay behind and face people who loved me, but I wasn't dealing with Aiden's loss very well. I couldn't stand to see how my relationships would slowly self-destruct from my own anger, guilt, and fear. It was selfish, but I would rather leave those relationships as they were than ruin them.

My eyes teared up, but I refused to let them fall. I would be strong. I had made my choices. I had chosen to live. I would just have to live until I could find the reason why I had done so. I would survive this. I had survived so much. I would take it one day at a time. I would figure out my failing memories. I would breathe through the tightness in my chest until I no longer noticed the gaping chasm in my chest where Aiden had once been tethered. I would do this because he was free now. He was free from me. Free to do what he wanted. Free to be his own person. And, I had to be selfless enough to be happy for that.

Using my forearm, I wiped the tears from my face as I rummaged around in my backpack for the food the stranger had given me the day before. He had bought several packaged foods. I selected one at random and ate it, tasting nothing. I nearly choked on it as my throat constricted in grief, but I managed to swallow it down through the tears.

This was going to be hard.

I stopped chewing long enough to regulate my breathing, before I quickly finished off the tasteless snack. I put the trash in an outside pocket on my bag, and was ready to hit the road.

I kicked it to life and pulled out onto the country road. It was hard to find my way back onto the main highway. The roads had looked different in the headlight's dim glow last night. However, I hadn't wandered very far from it and managed to find the main highway again easily.

I pulled out and merged into traffic.

I rode for hours. I watched the scenery gradually change. I felt the temperature steadily rise. It was cathartic. It was an expectation, nothing like the scents and drastically different times, climates, and sceneries that were bouncing around in my head playing with no rhyme or reason.

As I drove, I felt like I could breathe easier. I was able to begin to sort through memories and remember a little bit about myself and my life.

The rolling grass hills levelled out and became far-reaching landscapes of golden-red. And when I had kept going to steadily increasing temperatures, I had remembered several important times in my life where I had nearly been taken by the cold. I knew that I hated the cold, and that was why it never occurred to me that I had a destination in mind other than wanting to go somewhere warm.

And then, I pulled off into a small town, but I wasn't low on gas. Some stranger's generosity had allowed me to fill it a state back. And then, I pulled off onto an even smaller street and took it until it ended, and the pavement disappeared. Yet, I kept going. I kept driving until I could see a small modular house with a barn nearby. If I squinted, I could also make out the old silo that held the water.

I knew where I was. I had been heading here all along.

New memories came flooding back to me with the surroundings. This place had been so far removed from everything to do with my life with the government, military, and CIA that I hadn't remembered consciously until I saw that old barn.

As I got closer, I could see Cory carrying a pail of water. He had grown since the last time I had saw him from what I could remember. His shoulders had broadened, and he was filled out. He looked more like Jay now, more like the man that he would be. In reality, he wasn't much younger than me, but I felt so much older. Paul was out cutting wood in the shade of the house. He looked much better. It was good to see that he had healed up. Other than that, he still had his hair braided back and one of his geometric, colored button-ups rolled up on his forearms.

My eyes scanned the rest of the property. It was just as I had remembered it: the large, rusted shower stall made of round metal, the large formations of orange looming rocks, the view of endless acres of orange, dry ground, all the way down to the sheep wandering in the fields. I even remembered the large rock in the front yard that I had stupidly thought I could hide behind from Ye'iitsoh. My eyes settled on the horse corral, drawn to the movement there. I was within hearing range now, and it had caught the attention of the people outside. And that was the first good look I was able to get of him. He hadn't changed much at all since I last saw him.

Unlike his brother whom had grown and his dad who had improved in health so much, Jay looked exactly the same as the day I let with the promise to return. And, in that moment, I knew that returning hadn't been a mistake. It had been exactly what I needed.


	3. Chapter 3

I got off the bike, setting my backpack on the seat and resting my hip against the side of the motorcycle, trying to feign a confidence I wasn't feeling. This was a new concept for me. I was returning to people that had thought of me as friends. I had only ever been called on for help, when people needed me to save the world. Here, I was, just Jodie. They didn't want anything from me. I was the one looking to intrude on their lives, hoping that they would have room for me in them.

I leaned up away from the bike, suddenly nervous. Cory hadn't moved, the water pail still held tightly in his hand, his tendons bulging. Paul was standing with his ax still wedged inside the log he had been cutting. Jay was still and staring at me, but that didn't last long. He dropped the brush he was holding and raced out of the corral, not even bothering to make sure the gate shut securely behind him.

Seeing his reaction solidified mine. I was overcome with emotions. So much had happened. It was overwhelming. I ran to meet Jay halfway, throwing my arms around his neck. I was shaking as my arms gripped him as tightly as they could. His embrace felt much more secure than mine. I was weak from eating improperly and having been in several near-death and one full death experience.

He leaned back, but before I could get a good look at him, I was being pulled into another embrace. This time, it was Cory.

"It's so good to see you, Jodie," he said with joy.

I smiled despite all of the mixed up thoughts running through my head. "I missed you guys," I said simply.

Cory pulled out of the embrace, holding me at arm's length by the shoulders. His smile faltered and died when he got a good look at my face. "What happened? Jodie, are you okay?"

I frowned, suddenly recalling the wounds that had been bothering me most of the day. I hadn't even felt the nasty wound on my leg when I was running towards Jay's arms. Huh. "Y-yeah, I'm fine."

I was being whipped around to face Jay's troubled face. His face became even darker once his eyes lit on my face. "You need a hospital," he said sternly.

"No hospitals," I said, almost talking before he had finished his sentence.

His frown deepened. He looked up past my shoulder.

"Cory, take the water into the house," Paul said from the direction Jay had just looked. "Build a fire and warm the water up. Find some fresh towels and bandages. Jay, go grab Jodie's things. She will probably want to rest in something fresh after her wounds are cleaned."

Jay looked like he might argue, but something he saw in his father's gaze stopped him. He nodded, gave me one last squeeze on the shoulder, and then turned to head towards the bike. I didn't bother to tell him that I didn't have anything clean left to change in to. I put the last of my clean clothes on this morning, and I definitely knew better than to attempt those dreaded skinny jeans again. I didn't say anything because it was obvious that Jay was very upset about my state, and Paul had sent him away to let him get his mind straight.

A strong, callused hand gently gripped me by my elbow, turning me to face the last of the family. Paul.

He really did look much better from the last time I saw him. Maybe Aiden had healed something more than just the stomach wound…Aiden. My eyes started to well up with tears, but I wiped my nose with my forearm to try to cover it up. I wasn't going to cry.

Paul just pulled me into a hug without saying a word. He had never been one to ask questions about my past, and it seemed that that was going to be the way he continued to handle things. After a moment, he gently led me inside the house into the dining area. Cory had poured the pail of water into a pot on the stove and was letting it heat that way instead of over a fire in the woodstove. He wasn't in the room though, so I assumed he was gathering the supplies Paul had told him to grab.

I thought that Paul was going to lead me to the kitchen table, but he kept going until he was in the hallway. He went into the guest bedroom I had stayed in when I was here. It looked the same as I remembered. I was bombarded with memories as I smelled the familiar scents.

Cory was already in here setting out supplies, and I wondered how he knew his dad would want to do this in the bedroom versus the dining area. I didn't ask, especially when Jay walked in a moment later with my backpack in his hand down at his side. I had forgotten the question.

Paul sat me down on the bed. He looked at Jay. "Will you go check on the water? Cory, will you go get the ointment from the ice box?"

The boys moved to get the items while Paul helped me to lay back. He went to the corner of the room to the washing tub. He poured the water from the pitcher into the basin and grabbed the sponge. He rang it out and approached me.

I started to sit back up. "You don't have to-"

"Jodie, please," he said softly. "You did so much for this family. Let someone take care of you for a while. You look like you need it."

I held his gaze for a moment but didn't say anything. I didn't know how to react. Nobody had really shown such care and attention to me before. At least, not that I remembered. My indecision was interrupted when Jay came back in with the warm water. I laid back on the bed, trying to relax.

Cory came back in the room. "I can't find any ointment, but we have the ingredients to make a fresh batch."

Paul gave a small nod, turning back to me with a reassuring smile. "All the better. A fresh batch will be stronger and help you heal more quickly. Jay, would you clean Jodie's wounds while Cory and I mix up a new batch of the ointment?"

Jay nodded and moved to take his dad's spot on my bedside. My heart was suddenly in my throat, beating like an irritated bee caught in a drum. It certainly didn't help when Paul and Cory left the room.

I swallowed quickly, trying to stay relaxed, but I don't think it was very believable.

Jay cleared his throat and turned to me. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, but one glance across my face had him resolved once more. His eyes filled with worry and concern as he leaned forward to brush the cool, damp cloth across my gritty, sweaty skin. It felt heavenly. And then, he brushed over something that made the soft, cleansing fingers of the rag feel like molten spikes.

I hissed through my teeth, knowing exactly which cut he had swiped.

"Sorry," he said quickly, but he continued to brush the cloth across my skin. Some spots it felt divine, but other areas made me sweat and shake in pain. I was confused on how to feel by the time he had finished my face. His eyes scanned my body, pausing on areas where my clothes had been ripped and stained with blood.

He looked away, a slight tinge to his cheeks. "You should change your clothes into something that will make your wounds more accessible."

"I agree," Paul said in the doorway, holding a ceramic bowl and mixing on it.

"All I have are jeans," I said apologetically.

"You have wounds on your body that are worrying to me, and we won't be able to treat and wrap them properly if you are wearing jeans. Cory, why don't you go get some boxers for her to use. Jodie, do you have any shirts?"

"I have a tank top on," I said, wondering if they would start to ask questions if they saw the scars on my body. There were a lot of them. Aiden may have been able to speed the healing process, but he wasn't able to erase the scars. Those were something that would have happened anyway, regardless of his accelerating the time to heal.

I didn't have a choice, it seemed. Cory came back in with a pair of boxers, laying them at the foot of the bed, and I was told firmly, yet softly by Paul to change into them so they would be able to tend my wounds. I think that if he had been too demanding or if he had shown the slightest bit of hesitation, I would have denied him outright. As it was, I was being stared at by three sets of eyes that were concerned for my well-being and wanting to help. I bit my lip, opening a cut on it. I gave a hesitant nod, but they all seemed to relax at that.

Paul cleared his throat. "Right. Well boys, let's give her some privacy." Cory automatically turned to the door and headed out. Paul was close behind him, giving one more look back at Jay.

Jay's eyes hadn't left my face yet, and whatever Paul had seen when he looked at his son, kept his tongue. He turned and headed out of the room without saying a word.

I fidgeted a bit under the steady gaze of his dark eyes. I felt the weight of a thousand words left unspoken between us, but Jay just let out a soft sigh. "Let me know if you need any help. I'll be right outside the door," he said quietly.

I nodded, relaxing a bit when he turned and left.

This morning, I had managed to peel the jeans from my legs, but I had been driving in the desert for a while since then. The dirt and dust had really gotten into my cuts, forming an almost cement-like substance as the grit had mixed with the fresh blood that had come from attempting to change my jeans. I had a feeling that this was going to be no different.

I was wrong. It was worse. I hissed in a breath through my teeth, not getting far at all as the nastiest wound was the big gouge on the top of my left thigh. I was scared to look at it. I collapsed back down on the bed, feeling a little dizzy. I swallowed and just breathed for a minute.

"Do you need any help," Jay asked.

I thought about it. "No," I said as calmly as possible. I was quickly frustrated with myself. Surely I could take off a pair of jeans I had already taken off. I mean, I had been tortured before.

I had?

Jay was suddenly in front of me, his hand on my face, his face angry looking. "Jodie!"

I shook myself from my thoughts. "Yeah?"

"You didn't answer," Paul said from the side.

I blinked. All three of them were back in the room.

"S-sorry," I said. "I was getting my jeans off."

"Cory," Jay said suddenly, "Go get the knife from the kitchen."

I looked at Jay, wondering at his urgency. His eyes were focused on the cut that I had refused to acknowledge. It had grossed me out enough when I had accidentally brushed it before. It also had nearly brought me to my knees in pain.

"It has mixed with dust and hardened," Paul said, bringing me out of my thoughts. I looked up and he too was focused on my leg. "The jeans are stuck in it. It will hurt a lot to take them off, even cutting them away."

"Wet them with the cloth," Cory said, having returned to catch the end of the conversation. Jay looked up at Paul, silently asking a question.

"Yes, good Cory. That will work." Paul leaned closer, having taken the knife from Cory.

Jay got to his feet, going to get the warm water and sponge that had been gathered earlier. He handed the bowl to Cory to hold and sponged a bit of water out before kneeling down beside his father. Even kneeling as he was, he was as tall as I was sitting on the bed. His eyes met mine. "Let me know if it hurts too much."

"Sure," I said softly. My breath hitched as Paul started taking the knife to my jeans on my other side. I looked sharply over, images from my past overlaying on top of the present. I saw Ryan hanging by his arms in the corner of the room. I saw a large man with his arms folded. The same man that had repeated stabbed me in my leg in just the right spots to inflict incredible amounts of pain, yet missing everything vital. I knew. I had been trained on the intimacies of torture at the CIA in case I ever ran across someone that needed saved from a situation like that, or, worst case scenario, I was ever caught myself on a mission and tortured.

Suddenly, I wasn't just getting images here and there. The whole room was replaced by a cold and colored metal. The air was damp and freezing. Sounds in the room started to echo and reverberate around the wall. All I could hear was Ryan's labored breathing. The large man with his arms folded watched me impassively, but he wasn't the real threat here. The real threat was the one doing all of the talking. There was a sharp pain in my thigh, but the left thigh instead of my right. They had been hitting the one on my right up until this point.

I didn't pay much attention to that. I just reacted. I sent my flat, open palm to the clavicle of the man kneeling next to me with the knife. I knew he would be down and out for a couple of seconds, knowing exactly how much pain that move inflicted, and used that to turn to the guy that had caused the pain in my left thigh. I flung my forearm at the middle of his, knocking his hand away. My other arm was already following up the move with a jab to his throat while his neck was exposed and vulnerable. He leaned forward, gasping for breath with his hands protecting his throat. My trainer, Nick, and his advice entered my head. _You're small Jodie. Your strongest points are your legs. Granted, they're the size of most men's arms, but you have to use them as much as possible._

I leaned back pretty far for being in a chair with a back, got my leg up to my chest and pushed the man away from me. He tumbled back on the ground, but there was a third man now. He was shouting at me.

 _You're little, very little. You'll be quick and agile. You have a low center of gravity. Get your opponents off balance._

I leaned backwards, tucking my legs up and rolling backwards away from the third man. It wouldn't be long before the first man with the knife recovered. Wait, how could he have the knife? The other man had been the one to harm me. I shook my head. _You'll always be at a disadvantage, Jodie. Everyone you face will be bigger than you. Some more than three times your size. Yet, most will estimate you. Use that to your advantage._

The second man was up as well. I swayed on my feet a little, causing the second man to hesitate. I used that hesitation to take a running leap, planting my foot in the middle of the bed and launching myself. The second man put his arms automatically around me when I collided into him. I let him hold me up, keeping his hands preoccupied as used both hands to deliver twin chops to the pressure points on his neck. He dropped like a boneless puppet from under me. As he fell to the ground, I landed lightly with my feet on either side of him.

I heard the blaring of alarms in my head that echoed ominously off the steel, no wood walls. I had to get out of here. The entities were out.

I made for the door, kicking the arm of the third guy out of the way as he reached for me. His arm would be numb shortly. I made it out into the hall, surprised that there weren't any lights flashing out here. I ran past a kitchen table, shaking my head at the incongruity, but not hesitating one bit as I shouldered through the door, spilling out into broad, scorching daylight.

My feet stumbled, and I fell to my knees. I wasn't in the frozen tundra with sub-zero temperatures, but I was shaking like I was. I wrapped my arms around me, trying to make sense of what I was seeing and stop my shaking. My breath was ragged and broken like I had swam through a freezing ocean, breaking the surface, only to come face to face with a stretching expanse of orange desert as far as the eye could see.

A hand fell on my shoulder, followed by a voice, but I cut the voice off when I grabbed the large hand and used my small body to flip him over my shoulder to land on his back in front of me. I was about to place a strategic punch to knock him unconscious when I realized he was saying my name.

I let out a breath. "Cory."

"Jodie," he said, seeing something in my face that made him relax, if even just slightly.

"Cory, get away from her!"

I turned around to see Paul standing in the doorway holding a hand to his collar bone.

"It's fine, Paw. She's fine now. It's just Jodie," he said as he got to his feet and helped me to mine.

I couldn't look up to meet his eyes. I was never just Jodie. Unless my time from the Infraworld erased my memories completely, assuming I could eventually regain my memories, I would never be just Jodie. I would always have CIA Jodie, teen-rebel Jodie, nearly-raped Jodie, outcast Jodie, almost Prisoner of War Jodie, tortured Jodie, abandoned Jodie, zombie-fighting Jodie, homeless and freezing Jodie, traitor of the country Jodie, and a multitude of other Jodies with me at all times. I didn't know what kind of a person I was without pain and suffering controlling my every thought and decision, but would I ever be able to be Just Jodie?

And say my memories did become more jumbled and disappeared eventually from my time in the Infraworld. Would a Jodie without my memories and experiences still be Jodie?


	4. Chapter 4

"I don't like this," Jay said for the third time. He was pacing angrily back and forth. He stopped in front of me, putting his hands on the back of the chair I was sitting in and effectively boxing me in. "You need a hospital, Jodie. Just let us take you there."

I looked down. Cory and Paul hadn't said anything, but they weren't arguing what Jay said. I could feel their silent agreement. I was half-tempted to agree. Even though I didn't much care for hospitals, I had been in one recently and nothing bad had happened…that I remember. Also, I didn't want to risk blizting out again like I had. Cory's hand was still numb, and Paul and Jay's shoulders were hurting them. It would be harder on them to get all of the things done around the farm.

Guilt crept up my throat. I had nothing but bad experiences in hospitals, but I was nearly convinced that I could go there as long as I wasn't having flashbacks on people I had grown to care about.

Sensing my waning decision, Jay crouched down in front of me. "Come on, Jodie. It would be easy. They could give you a shot for the pain, put you to sleep—"

"No!" I said quickly and adamantly. No way was I going to take medicine that would put me to sleep. Not after…not after…

Not after what? I frowned, trying to remember, but I couldn't.

"This is crazy, Jodie! We're not going to tie you up like some crazed animal."

I took a deep breath. "Look Jay," I said softly, "I feel really bad for what I did to you guys. You have done nothing but be there for me. I'm not going to the hospital, and I refuse to hurt you again. I won't—I can't…"

He stopped his pacing, letting out a big breath as he turned to me. I could feel Paul and Cory's gazes on me as well.

I swallowed. "Could you just, I don't know…maybe tie me up to help me _not_ feel guilty?"

Jay's brown eyes studied me, but he didn't say anything.

Paul let out a small chuckle breaking the tension. "Well Jodie, when you put it that way…Cory?"

Cory nodded and left the room, coming back shortly with the water and paste from guest room.

Paul looked to his older son. "Jay?"

Jay ran his hands through his hair before letting out a sigh. "I'll go get some rope."

I leaned back into the chair, losing some of my rigid posture as I felt a little bit of relief. It was getting darker outside now. The air was cooling rapidly now that the sun was setting.

Cory pulled another chair over and laid out the stuff that they needed to clean and dress the wounds. I watched him, trying to imprint in my mind that these people were helping me. That's all they had ever done. I was _not_ going to flash out and be pulled back into my memories. I would make it through this without hurting them. I had to. I was trained to incapacitate and kill. I may have only been aiming to disable before, but who knew what horrible scenario my mind would dredge up from my past. I could do much worse.

Cory patted my knee on the right, the uninjured leg, bringing me blinking out of my thoughts. I met his dark black eyes. He gave me a small smile, and I nodded back, feeling surprisingly reassured.

"I've got the rope," Jay said as he made his reappearance.

I looked away from Cory, my smile faltering as I focused on the rope dangling from Jay's hands. My breath hitched in my throat. "Do it," I begged. "Do it quickly." My fists were already clenching.

Cory, who had been closest to me, noticed the change and snapped at his brother. "Jay! The rope!"

"Right." Jay rushed forward, but then paused when he got near me, as if unsure what the next step would be.

I took the rope from him. "Look, I'll do my feet so that you know how to tie my hands," I said. I was hoping that I would not spaz out if I was the one tying myself up. Once they started tying my hands, I was hoping that I would be restrained enough that they would be able to get my hands bound without me hurting them. Surely they would; there was three of them.

I did a complicated knot around my ankles, talking through the loops and twists and giving pointers on how tight to tie it. Finally, I was finished and relieved that I hadn't had any dangerous flashbacks. I looped the leftover 8 feet of rope around the middle of the binding between my ankles and ran the length up under the chair so that they would be able to tie my hands behind me. I held it out for someone to take, and there was a brief moment of stillness before Jay stepped forward to take on the job.

His hand reached for the rope, but I held on to it for a second until his eyes met mine. "Tie it tightly. I can slip out of most any knot."

His eyes bounced back and forth between mine, as if trying to read my thoughts. He finally nodded, and I let go.

Jay knelt down behind me, out of my line of sight. I kept my eyes focused on Paul and Cory, repeating to myself that I was safe with people that cared for me. I was not being tortured in Kazirstan. I was on the ranch. I jumped a little when a calloused hand brushed mine. I swallowed, my eyes not straying from the people in front of me.

 _Focus. Focus, Jodie._

Jay's fingertips softly brushed across my hand, helping me calm down a little. I moved my hands together for him, so it would be easier for him to tie. When the first loop of the scratchy material went around my wrists, my breath started to come a little faster. When the rope was tightened to secure the first knot, I was no longer seeing Cory or Paul because I was so focused on the feeling of what was going on behind me. I blew out air in a long, shaky exhale.

And then, Jay started speaking in my ear. He started telling me exactly what he was doing and why he was doing it. I was able to focus in front of me again. I saw Cory kneeling in front of me and Paul standing ready with the homemade paste for the wounds. I saw the care and concern in their eyes.

I closed my eyes for a second, steeling my resolve. "Tighter."

The movement behind me stopped. "Jodie, I really—"

I didn't wait to hear him finish his sentence as I twisted my palm inside and slipped my wrist through the rope. "Tighter," I repeated.

Jay grabbed my free wrist and started over again. This time he was making the ropes much tighter. He finished quickly, brushing his fingertips against my forearm before getting to his feet. He came around to the front and knelt down next to his brother. He pulled the knife out to start cutting the material away. If I had been thinking, I would have cut the material myself. Tying my feet together had seemed to help me feel in control of the situation—something I hadn't felt once in Kazirstan. I shook the thought away. I wasn't going to go through the process of being tied up again. I had barely tolerated it the first time. Jay's knots were secure enough. I would just have to live with it.

The knife gleamed menacingly in the light, my eyes closely tracking its every move as it seemed to creep closer. Without looking away from the weapon, I asked, "You don't happen to have a pair of scissors do you?"

"No," Jay said, without looking up. "Besides, this is sharper. It will cut through your jeans much better than scissors."

Cory, having seen my line of sight, elbowed Jay in the side. Jay stopped what he was doing, taking the knife away from my leg to glare at his brother. "Cory, what the hell?! I could have hurt her."

Cory's head tilted to the side in my direction.

Jay took one look at my face and seemed to come to some understanding. "It's the knife that bothers you."

My mouth had gone dry. I swallowed twice before I could speak. "I don't have the fondest memories of them, no."

Paul left the room, heading outside. "I'll be right back."

I leaned back in the chair a little, closing my eyes.

"I don't suppose you want to tell us why you have such a thing against knives?" Jay asked, but it wasn't really a question.

"Not really something I would like to relive," I said. I opened my eyes.

Jay looked troubled. "Still keeping your secrets I see."

It was silent for a long moment.

"If it helps," I joked, unable to take the tension. "I'm not too fond of machetes either."

"I don't think that helps," Cory said.

"Definitely not," Jay added.

No, I guess it didn't. If anything, they seemed more disturbed than before.

Thankfully, Paul came in at that moment. "I'm back. I got the sheep shearers from the shed. We use them to cut the wool off the churros when it gets too long. Helps keep them cool."

Jay took the sheep shearers from his father. He turned back to get to work on my jeans before he hesitated. "You don't happen to have a thing with sheep shearers, do you?"

I gave a half-smile. "I guess we'll find out."

He started out of my line of sight, untucking my jeans from the ankle boots and snipping away at the material down there. I studied his hair. It was so black that it seemed to glow a red in the sunset that was streaming in through the window. I wanted to touch it and see if it was as soft as it looked.

"Most of the cuts and burns are on the left side, so I'm only going to cut that side away," Jay said softly.

"Yeah, sure." I nodded, still not wanting to look down and acknowledge the big nasty cut that was on my upper thigh. My upper thighs were a magnet for danger. From the torture in Kazirstan to being shot in Somalia, twice, and everything in between, I always seemed to get injured there.

I could feel cool air on my shin now as Jay worked the shears up. Jay was having a harder time getting the shears maneuvered around because they were so big, but he didn't once mention it. I was glad for that anyway. I was able to relax a bit, even when he crested the top of my knee and I could see what he was doing.

"Jodie," a voice said.

"Yeah," I said, watching the shears work at cutting away the material. They were sharper than I had thought, cutting through the thick denim with ease.

A hand touched my shoulder, and I turned sharply, fixing my eyes on the owner. It was Cory.

"Jodie, I'm going to put some water on the large cut to start cleaning it out. It will probably hurt, but the blood has dried and attached it to your skin. If we soak it, it will be easier to separate the jeans from your skin."

"Y-yeah," I said. "Th-that's a good idea, Cory."

He nodded and took the sponge. I watched as his hand, almost as large as Jay's now, fished the sponge out of the water. His tendons popped out as he squeezed the excess liquid back into the bowl. He slowly brought it over to me, occasionally glancing up to gauge my reaction. I didn't even blink. Instead, I turned my head away to notice that Jay had stopped cutting. He was focused on me, so I focused on him. Water hit my leg, immediately sinking into the cut and pooling there.

It hurt.

It hurt a lot, but I wasn't going to tell them anything.

If I did, then they wouldn't need us anymore. They would kill us both, Jay and me.

But, what about Cory? And Paul? Would they let them go? Why were they just after Jay and me?

I blinked. A man was hanging in the corner of the room by his arms. His eye was missing.

"-ou okay?"

I blinked again.

Jay, Cory, and Paul were beaten, tied to chairs. They were soaked in blood. Paul was talking to me. I focused in on his voice. "—ater worked. Now Cory is going to gently separate the jeans from the wound. I'm going to put this paste on there immediately afterwards. Okay?"

I blinked again. Jay was hanging in the corner, his arms stretched out above his head. His forearm was bleeding. An eye was missing. It was my fault.

Yet, Jay was right in front of me. I could hear his voice saying my name.

I kept trying to decipher what was real and what was not, but there was a hazy overlay on things. It was like I was seeing from two different sets of eyes at once, but the human mind was only capable of processing one set. Some things were coming through from both sets making everything very confusing. _You're at the ranch. You're safe, back at the ranch. They're trying to take care of you. You haven't caused them any harm._ "Y-yeah. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm ready. Do what you have to do."

There was a sharp burning pain. It felt like my skin was being peeled away, but then it was over shortly after.

"...s out of the cut. Now we're going to…"

"…okay…"

I made some sort of noise in my throat in case there was a question in there somewhere, but I wasn't going to tell them anything else. I didn't want to make him too mad to think I was ignoring him, but as soon as I talked, he would no longer have a reason to keep me alive.

It didn't work though. I still must have made him mad because the next thing I know, there was a terrible pain in my leg. It felt like something rough was worrying away at my flesh. I pulled against the restraints, but didn't get very far at all. In fact, it did nothing but wear me out. I sat back, panting and sweaty.

I felt cold all over except in that one spot. I thought maybe I would pass out from the pain. It wouldn't be the first time I had done so. Just when I thought I was on the brink of losing consciousness, the burn cooled down. Rapidly. From one moment to the next, it was soothing. I looked down.

Cory.

I frowned. "Cory?"

I looked around. Paul and Jay were here too. But no, I remembered that. They were tied to the chairs as well. I looked over their bodies. "Y-you…you're okay?"

"Jodie?" Jay asked with a frown on his face. "Jodie, what are you talking about?"

"Jay," Paul said gently. "Not now," he said, shaking his head in the negative when his older son looked his way.

Jay's lips pressed together in a tight line. He hefted the shears in his hand and abruptly left the kitchen, heading outside into the twilight.

There was a hand on my face. I turned to look down at Cory in question.

His thumb brushed at something on my cheek. "That's the big one. Paw says that we can do the rest later. He went out to talk to Jay. Let's get you to bed, huh?"

I nodded, trying to move, but I couldn't. My eyes went back to Cory. He was looking at me deep in thought, as if he was thinking about something. I shifted a little. "You think you can uh give me a hand?"

He shook his head. I was sure that if he had more fair skin, he would be blushing. He gave me a rueful grin. "Sorry about that Jodie. Let me just get these for you."

He started at my feet and moved around to my hands. By the time he was finished, Paul and Jay were back.

Jay was silent, avoiding eye contact, but Paul was smiling at me. He looked between Jay and I for a second, before clearing his throat. It sounded weird though, like he had tried to laugh at the same time. "Jay, why don't you help Jodie to bed? Make sure she has some clean clothes to change into."

"But Paw-" Cory said, pausing in cleaning up the bandage supplies.

Paul held his hand up. Cory's shoulders drooped a little, but he continued cleaning up, not saying another word.

Jay looked like he wanted to be near me like he wanted to cuddle a cactus.

"Actually," I said, using my arms to shift myself to the edge of the chair. "Cory was going to help me."

That time all three sets of eyes were on me with varying expressions.

I cleared my throat. "Yeah, actually, I uh, kind of don't have any other clothes to change into, so I was hoping that Cory could lend me some things to sleep in."

I wasn't brave enough to look up after that, but it was quiet.

Cory broke the silence after a minute. He came forward and put an arm around me to help me up. I stood fairly easily, favoring my right leg, and, with Cory's help, it was a breeze. It was actually more than a breeze. He really had grown into himself while I had been away. He helped me into the hall and led me down to the guest room.

With his help I sat on the bed.

"Wait right there," he said.

"Like I have anywhere to go?" I teased.

He rubbed the back of his neck. "Right. I'll be right back."

I leaned back on my hands. Taking a moment to breathe before I decided that I should get started on the jeans. I got to me feet, not really feeling anything at all. It was funny that my leg hadn't bothered me that much the entire way here, but now that it was cleaned out, it was all I could focus on. I took my jacket off, leaving just the tank top on.

By the time I had started unbuttoning my jeans, Cory had returned with some boxers and a cut-off shirt. I think he only owned cut-offs.

"You good?" he asked.

I nodded, hunched over and trying to peel the pants off. Cory had wrapped my leg so well that it was difficult to the pants past the bandaging. I frowned. "Yeah, I think I got it. Thanks Cory."

"Anytime," he said. "Well, if you're sure you don't need anything, then uh…good night."

I paused in what I was doing. "Hey, Cory?"

He turned around in the doorway.

I swallowed before looking back up at him. "Uh, thanks. You know, for taking care of my leg."

"No need to thank me," he said.

"No really, thank you."

"You're uh, welcome."

"And, sorry about your wrist," I said with an apologetic grin. "Is it still numb?"

"No, that wore off after about ten minutes," he said with a half laugh. He shook his head at me. "Where'd you learn to fight like that?"

I went back to wrestling with my pants. "If I told you, I'd have to kill you."

There wasn't any sound for a minute, so I looked up.

Cory's face was frozen in uncertainty.

I let myself smile. "I'm kidding. Jeez, I'm kidding."

His own smile came out to meet mine. "Right," he said, but the frown didn't quite leave his face all the way. "Well, good night, Jodie. Sleep tight. Don't let Ye'iitsoh bite."

It was my turn to be frozen. "You're kidding. Ye'iitsoh's back?!"

"No," Cory said with a mischievous grin. "If I told you, I'd have to kill you."

My mind took a second to process his words. I guess the past few weeks had been one emergency right after another, and it would be just my luck to come back here with a vengeful entity on the loose for his retribution. I wadded up my jacket and threw it towards him, but he dodged out the door with a laugh. "Not funny, Cory," I called after him.

I was on the last leg of my jeans, trying to get them off. I had gingerly babied the jeans, or what was left of the jeans, down on my injured side. Now all I had to do was get the right leg off. Piece of cake.

"What's not funny?"


	5. Chapter 5

I whirled around, tripping myself and falling backwards. Thankfully, I landed on the bed. Some trained CIA agent I was. "J-jay? What are you doing?"

"Well," he said, taking a step into the room. "I wanted to see how you were doing, after everything."

"I'm good," I said, sitting up. I looked down at my hands. "How about you?"

"What about me?"

"You seemed pretty upset earlier," I hedged.

"So did you," he threw back.

"Touché," I said, getting back to the task at hand.

Jay knelt on the floor in front of me. He used one of his large hands to push me back on the bed and then began to tug on my jeans. I leaned back on my elbows.

He got my jeans off of me quickly and picked up the boxers Cory had left with me. He held them up so I could put my feet in them. I did so one at a time, my hand resting on his shoulder. He slid them up as high as he could, pausing only when I had to stand up so he could get them up the rest of the way. I stood up with his help, cocooned in by his proximity. I was eye level with his chest.

His hands slid the boxers up the rest of the way, but he didn't immediately help me back down to the bed; not that I needed it. I could still get around, despite what he and his brother seemed to think. I didn't look up though, and after a short amount of time, he eventually lowered me back to the bed. His hands came to rest on my uninjured thigh.

"Jodie?"

"Yeah?"

His eyes were on his hands, but I couldn't look at either for the fear that I might combust. "You know, I heard you talking to Cory."

"Mm-hm," I mumbled, feeling myself get slightly drowsy.

"Arms up," he commanded.

My arms moved to obey without hesitation. My shirt was pulled up and over my head, and then, I was blushing.

Jay's breath hitched a little, but other than that, he seemed indifferent to the fact that I was now topless. "Sorry," he said, slipping the clean shirt down over my head. "I thought you had a bra on."

I was too embarrassed to even look at him.

"Anyway, I heard him ask you where you learned to fight."

I stiffened, pulling the hem of the shirt down, and then right back up when it showed too much cleavage in the front. It seemed that all of Cory's shirts were cut to show chest and arm muscles, but on me it only made it that much more obvious that I wasn't wearing a bra. "And?"

"And," Jay said, his hand brushing my thigh. "And I think that you were telling the truth."

"What truth?"

"The truth that if you told us, you would have to kill us. It's true, isn't it?"

I tensed for a moment, but didn't answer his question.

He looked back down after a moment. "You know," his hand brushed my uninjured thigh. I've seen a lot of wounds on animals, and even helped Cory out when he would get hurt."

"And, your point?" I asked, going on the offense.

He looked back up at me, his eyes sharp, but his fingers still brushed across my thigh. My right thigh.

I closed my eyes, resigned. I didn't have to look at what his fingers were brushing. I knew what was there. "Look," I said, "There are things that I am trying to forget. I've done things that I'm not proud of, and I've done things that I wish more than _anything_ that I could take back. Talking about them isn't going to help me. Some things I can't tell you, and some things I wouldn't even if I could."

I didn't realize that there were tears in my eyes until I felt Jay's large, calloused thumb brushing at my cheek.

I deflated a little bit, but didn't back down. I met his eyes, trying to communicate how earnest I was. I kept my voice soft. "If this is a problem, just let me know. But if I stay here, there are probably going to be things that I will possibly never talk about. Can you accept that?"

Jay didn't say anything for a long time as he studied the scars on my legs, the place where I had been stabbed several times in Kazirstan. "No," he said, startling me. My heart dropped. "No, a person can't love a portion of somebody."

My throat was tight, so I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I just nodded my head, probably a tad bit too quickly. I sniffed, using my forearm to wipe my tears.

Jay got to his feet. I couldn't look up at him, so I don't know what he was thinking. Eventually, he started heading towards the door. He paused in the doorway. "I'm sorry, Jodie."

I just kept nodding, too numb to think of any other response.

I was just trying to keep myself together. I didn't want to cry in front of him. That would make me too vulnerable.

I just managed to keep my sobs bottled in until I heard the click of the door.

And then, I let loose.

Sleep took a long time finding me, and when it did it was a restless and fitful sleep full of tossing and turning. When it started to quickly heat up as the desert sun came up in the morning, I hadn't felt like I slept at all.

I laid in bed a while longer, wondering about what I could do. I had nowhere else to go really. At least, it didn't feel like it.

My memories were still jumbled at best, and I could remember snippets of Ryan, but not all of those memories were good ones. I feared that I would do something terrible to him if I had one of the flashbacks around him like I did yesterday. I mean, look what I had done to people who had done nothing to betray me.

I could always go back to Stan and the others. They had accepted my weirdness once before, and of all of the people I knew, they could relate to wanting to keep the past in the past. It was a plan that had merits.

"No," I thought. "No, Jodie. You're not going to run away from all of your problems."

I had obviously come here for a reason, so for now, I was just going to trust that.

I rolled out of bed and got to my feet, feeling the twinge in my leg. The washing basin was still in the corner of the room, and I was grateful for the cool splash of water on my neck and face. I walked out of the room, not bothering to change out of Cory's clothes. I still only had the one pair of skinny jeans, and I wasn't willing to wear them any more than I had been yesterday. I did slip on my boots though.

I opened the door and headed down the hall to the kitchen. Paul was sitting at the table, drinking some coffee. It was all very reminiscent of the first time I had come here.

I walked to the stove, grabbing a mug and filling it with coffee. I leaned back against a cabinet and took some two-handed sips of coffee, trying to wake myself up. But, fuck, it had been so long since I had had a good night's sleep, and certainly I hadn't done anything to fix that last night.

"Can we expect you to hang around here for a while, Jodie?" Paul asked, staring out the open window and looking over the orange landscapes.

I thought about the question even though I knew I had pretty much already made my choice when I had found my way here without even having to consciously think about it.

"Yeah," I said, looking out over the same early morning view. Cory was at the water pump by the tree, but I couldn't see Jay from my angle. He was probably at the horse's corral. I took another slow sip of coffee, not betraying any of my turmoil of thoughts. "Yeah, I think I'll stay around for a while."

Paul put his coffee mug down with a dull thud. "Good, good." He got to his feet and turned to me. "I have some more paste cooling in the ice box. You need to re-wrap your bandages again today, but first I would suggest getting cleaned up."

It was on the tip of my tongue to protest. I had certainly had worse before, but Aiden had been there to help heal most of those as well. I nodded, putting the coffee mug down on the wooden counter. I turned back to face the window.

"You'll find some clothes in Cory's room, although they may not fit you as well as last time. He has shot up like a cactus since you were here last."

I gave a slight chuckle. "That's the truth."

I walked down the hall to Cory's room and grabbed some clothes before heading outside. The sun was blinding. Just coming out from the shade of the house to the blaring sun, I could already feel the air get hot and dry. Precious moisture was leaving my body with each breath, and it was easy to feel in the arid climate, something that was so hard to really understand until you had been to a desert yourself. I swiped across my forehead with my forearm as I headed to the shower by the barn.

Cory was filling up another bucket of water from the pump.

I held up the bundle in my hands. "Hey," I said. "I hope you don't mind. Paul said that I could borrow some clothes."

He smiled at me. "No, go right ahead Jodie. I don't mind at all."

I headed to the shower, avoiding looking in the direction of the corral. I opened the half door and took off my clothes, stacking them neatly on the wooden pallets. I removed the bandaging from my side and leg, wanting them to air out a little and get cleaned. Then, I reached up to pull the large handle down. Cool water came gushing down with a clang. My skin seemed to soak it up. Brown tracks appeared on my skin as the dust started to wash away in rivulets. I used my hand to help scrub away the more stubborn grime. I paid particular attention to clean out my wounds. It still felt weird to feel the large scrape on my thigh, but surprisingly, Paul's magic Navajo paste had done a number on the wound on my leg. It was better than the one on my stomach now. I was able to look at it and not feel like it was some weird foreign object latched onto my skin.

The self-timer on the water ran out, so I pulled on the handle again. I quickly ran my hands through my hair and did a last, quick scrub of everything that I could.

When I had been working for the CIA, I had been able to afford my own penthouse with the most luxurious of bathroom. I had had an array of expensive and fragrant bathing oils, softeners, cleansers, shampoos, gels, and conditioners. You name it, I had it. Even so, I had hardly felt a more satisfying shower as I had just now.

I started to get dressed, not needing a towel in the slightest. It was easy for the water to evaporate from the skin in such dry, hot air. I slipped on the loose jeans, cut-off shirt, and low-cut tank top. Right away, I knew that I was going to need something to help hold the jeans up. Cory had certainly gotten much bigger since the last time I had worn his clothes. I laced my boots and haphazardly pulled the pants out of the cuffs. I got to my feet, grabbed onto the jeans, and made my way out of the rusted metal silo in search of some string.

I doubled-back into the shower when I realized that I had forgotten my mother's heart necklace. I pushed through the door and bent to grab it when my peripherals just caught a glimpse of a silhouette just out of my eyesight. My head snapped in that direction.

There was no one there.

I swallowed. I turned around, looking in all directions, but there wasn't anywhere to hide on the inside of a round, metal structure.

I licked my lips. "Aiden?"

I looked over to the spot where the Navajo ancestors had tried to get a message across to me. It wasn't there, but I frowned in thought. "…Aiden, is that you?"

I wanted for it to be him so badly. I missed him so much. It felt like half of me was missing. I had only really known him as my brother for a fraction of a moment before he was gone from me.

Air droplets created a white vapor in front of me as the temperature dropped dramatically. My heart seemed to stutter in my chest, and for the first time I realized how vulnerable I really was without Aiden there by my side. What if it was some malicious entity? How would I be able to fight it off?

BANG! BANG! BANGBANG!

I slammed back into the wall behind me, facing the direction of the noise. None of my CIA training was any good if an entity had followed me here. And, I had led it straight to people I cared about.


End file.
